God is a jerk

People can stop blogging suddenly for any number of reasons: too busy, or nothing to say.

Me? I had it out with God on Friday, November 9th. My complaint: Why do you give me visions when I can't do anything about them? Do you sprinkle inspiration around, see who it hits, then see who is able to do something with it? Where does that leave me, stuck with the inspiration, powerless to make it happen? Am just I a pawn in your stupid game?

All this time, I've read Hebrews 11 as "the heroes of the faith". It even says, "All these people earned a good reputation because of their faith, yet none of them received all that God had promised." Ha. More like suckers of the faith.

I turned off my 10:02 alarm. Why should I continue to pray for the mission, when the only thing it accomplishes is to frustrate me?

Maybe others are called to reform existing churches. But I am tired of playing the prophet. All I have done is annoy others. For now, I have shut up and am going with the flow.

But damn it, now I'm stuck with this dream inside of me.

Technorati Tags: missional

Comments

[Paul]

Sounds like a post I never got around to writing about 7 years ago when I realized that God's vision for me wasn't to change what is, but love His bride and start fresh with the hesitant seekers and god-haters all around me. I've also given up on seeing the fruit of my labors, much of which would be sour and weak. Hmmm, actually I'm a trainwreck, but there's some comfort in that. Thanks for the honesty. I think we're alike.

[Keith Seckel]

You go boy!

You're going to get people who "should" on you and tell you not to feel what you're feeling. Tell them to be quiet and also tell them to go read Ps 88 (It is my favorite because it does not have a 'praise the lord' happy ending).

~ Keith

[Jon]

Paul,
Thanks for coming by this blog again. I can't explain why I find comfort in your words.

[Jon]

Keith,
Haha, I'm glad you got here before the "should"-ers. Your encouragement to keep going with this, and the psalm, help me believe that even this is part of something -- but that it's OK that I can't see that right now.

[randall]

Hey Jon, I also admire and appreciate both your willingness to complain and argue with God, and post your thoughts here. It is encouraging and I remember a time when I would also argue (ever see the film "Luther?") but now all it seems that I do is whine at him. My bet is that he prefers the complaining to the arguing. Something about hot vs. lukewarm?

[randall]

I meant to say the complaining and arguing to the whining. duh.

[Jon]

Randall, I have not seen Luther (adding it to my queue). But you remind me of another movie featuring someone arguing with God: The Apostle.

[massivetruth]

Dude, I thought you gave up on blogging. Well, your back on the feed list. At any rate, I completely feel you on this post. Its like I know what I am supposed to do but I don't have any way of getting there.

God has really called me to preach at camps and conferences. I have a deep passion for restoring unity in the Body. But I don't have a clue on how to get to that point.

[Helen]

Jon, I'm wondering about timing. God called David to be king - how many years did it take to get there? Many. Was the calling challenged? You bet it was - remember the part about hiding out in caves? How about Moses - was 40 years in the desert - doesn't sound fruitful to the outside observer.

I'm not sure why God tells us stuff WAY in advance - it can be confusing and frustrating. There are things I have felt that God has called me to - big things - that have been confirmed. What has happened - well I've had Chronic Fatigue for over 4 years and just went through treatment for Breast Cancer. (Don't worry - it was stage 0, I had surgery and radiation and am considered cured). But still, a set back. I am learning to just enjoy my life and if God wants to open doors and make things happen, that is His call. I will just enjoy the journey.

I'm sorry you feel frustrated and let down. I've been there.

[Jon]

Kevin,
My blogging tends to come in waves. I do consider it to be one of my spiritual disciplines, so if I am silent for a while, expect a comeback at some point. :-)

As far as "I don't have a clue," yeah, it's tough. I have had difficulty asking my wife for help because hey, she's the one that needs to get on-board with my vision, right? (Just kidding, ladies! I haven't been married 21 years for nothing.) As I have included her more in my wrestling process, it has been difficult but good.

[Jon]

Helen,
Thanks for the reminder about timing. In my frustration I've prayed, "Hey, it's been years, little has happened, and I'm not getting any younger!"

I wonder if one of the reasons God tells us stuff in advance is to let us try, and fail, and let go of even trying. Then when it finally does come about, it's clear that God gets the credit.

[kreekt]

Hi Jon, I can totally understand what you mean here. I liked your last response to Helen, and I remember what Pastor Dave once told me a while back..

The vision, or the message, may simply be just that. To let others know, or to let you know. His Word will make its way regardless.

And that, lets me sit back a bit, and relax while God has His hands on the wheel.

[Jon]

Kreekt, that's good stuff -- the "Dave in my head" has been telling me things, and I will add that to the list.
The hard part for me is that often, a vision is an invitation to partner with God. If we do not join him, he may go off and do it without us, to our loss. But it can be hard to know the difference between "OK God, I'm in your car, you drive," and "I've got to take the wheel, because this car is just sitting here!"

[Joel Hickenbottom]

Hey man. This blog is way old. But I did want to add that I love the honesty. However, where are you at now with this stuff? Did you shove your vision inside of you to lay dormant or have you found the place for your vision that He's put in you to flourish? I would love to hear more!

[Jon]

Joel, the first thing to see is my entry the very next day, "Musical Trigger" (link at the top). I was hurt but God did not leave me alone.

More later, I hope…